Hooray!
I’ve enrolled in college… finally. I’m going to get my A.S. in Opticianry.
The best part about it.. is that it’s practically free. Between my grants and my company reimbursements.. I’m set. :)
Also..
I’ve opened my heart up again.
This time I’m cautious. But, so far, it’s going well <3
And man, do I feel a lot better.
I’m starting to realize what I’ve gained from this whole situation. I’ve gained some really incredible friends, a new roommate, a new car, my own place, and a new life. A life where I’m not being manipulated, or controlled. A life that I am in control of. And damn, it feels good.
I’ll be focusing on me for a while. Things are looking up 
Things just keep getting better, and better. My car completely died on me, and the repairs are worth more than the car. So now I’m stranded, living with my ex-fiancé, wishing that someone would just put me out of my misery.
I can’t eat, it makes me sick. I can’t sleep, because I dream of him. And every time I come home, I smell him. I see our things, I see what our lives were, and it’s torture.
He is pushing me away, and I’m trying desperately to hold on. I don’t give up when there is love, and he still tells everyone he loves me.
I don’t get it.
A lot of things have transpired over the past year or so.
I’m in a really bad place right now. I’ve been engaged for just over two years, and it fell apart 3 days ago. I’d like to say it wasn’t my fault, but it is. I should have loved him harder, I should have showed him that love more often than I did. I should have saved our lives.
“Maybe we’re not right for each other.” That’s what everyone has been saying. But my heart screams that he is right for me, and that I am right for him. I’ve spent almost 3 years with him. Three. Years. That’s an incredible amount of time for me. I shared my life with him. And I wasn’t good enough. :[ I’m broken.
I’m damaged beyond repair now. I’m living in the spare bedroom of our house. He’s sitting in the living room, while I’m in here, breaking down. I haven’t eaten anything substantial in 3 days, and -8 lbs. later, here I am.. miserable and alone.
I’m afraid that I’ll move out of here soon, and he’ll forget all about me. The man I was going to marry is going to forget me, and I’m going to be walking into a restaurant, and see him with someone else later on down the road. I don’t know how I’m going to handle that.
I’m afraid that I’ll never stop loving him, and I’ll spend the rest of my life hoping that our paths cross again. Hoping that maybe he’ll fall in love with me again. Though, it was never about love. We both have an abundance of that for one another. It was a whole mess of other things, that I’ve been cursed with my entire adolescent & adult life. I can’t seem to make anyone happy. Everyone I have ever loved has disappeared out of my life. Except my family.. some of it.
I know anyone reading this will think, “Man, how pathetic.” But you don’t know what we had. And you don’t know me. At least not yet. If this is how I have to get through it, than so be it.
I’m scared that I’ll be skeptical of anyone who shows any interest in me. Shit, I don’t even want anyone to show interest in me. :[
You see, all my life I have seen nothing but heartbreak. I’ve never trusted in love. (Mom, if you are reading this, I’m not doing this to hurt you.) I, myself, have caused nothing but heartbreak because of it. With him, things seemed so right. I thought I was doing everything right, but I was wrong. And I let the best thing in my life walk out.
The worst part about it? Watching tv in the same room, or being in the same room, and not being able to touch him, not being able to wrap myself up in his arms. Most of all, not being able to read his mind. I want to know if he’s feeling the same thing. I know he left me, but I know he really does love me, there’s no doubt in my mind about that, and I’ve been hurting him for a year and a half with my insecurities. I need to know that he wants to hold me as much as I want to hold him.
Maybe it’s better I don’t know.
Fuck.
Isn’t it incredible how things work out?
I just wanted to say that I’m incredibly happy.
That’s all :]
Hope everyone else is doing well too :]
Oh where do I begin?
I haven’t blogged in ages. There’s so much to catch up on.
Los is home for good. Thank God. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to come out of everything sane. He came at the perfect time to save me.
I miss my friends. I miss hanging out. I miss being with people like me, people who would understand my jokes or how I screw up everything I say when I’m excited, because my mind goes faster than my mouth. Things are so different now.
I’m engaged.
I’m going to marry the man who changed my life. I’ve always denounced marriage, thought it ruined relationships. That was partly due to my mothers track history with it. But when the time came for me to decide, I could not think of a reason not to say yes. That has to mean something good, right? If there was absolutely nothing holding me back? He was there for me when I needed someone the most, he made my life feel carefree when I was going through the most trying times. All I know, is that I’m very happy at this point in my life. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, and I go to sleep with the same.
The only thing that is missing now, are my friends in Kentucky (I’m still counting on moving halfway in between!), and a hedgehog. Oh, and a moped please. (That’s for Santa if he’s reading this right now..)
I only hope that this next year is as exciting and breathtaking for me as this past year was. I saw so many amazing things, met some people with the most beautiful souls, and fell in love with an incredible man.
Happy New Year!
P.S. One more thing Santa.. please make it snow enough for BA and I to make snowmen on New Years Eve <3<3<3<3<3 Thank you.
It’s been over three weeks that I’ve been on my own.
It’s pretty lonely here.. with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I feel like my mind is going to self destruct.
Thank God I have late night phone calls with Los, text messaging, and retro music to keep me company. Not to mention all of the packing, moving, unpacking, and rearranging I’ve done to keep me busy. Still, I’m impressed that I haven’t gone mad from the emptiness of everything.
I almost feel like it was I that moved out of state. I don’t get visitors… no phone calls from friends… (cept BA & texts from Nate 
) nothing. It’s almost as if I exist only at work or with Carlos. It’s pretty much the only time I’m acknowledged as a living, breathing person.
I severed some ties. Not meaning to, I suppose. But it happened nonetheless. I’m doing my best to save face, and return the grudge that’s been cast on me. I’m not good at it… I’m too forgiving, too conceding. But I’m standing my ground, however long that lasts.
Here’s the upside to this blog.
I am living on my own, for now I’m getting by with what I have, which makes me feel incredible. I’m getting back in shape, however unwilling I am about it. Carlos should be home in a few weeks.. not as soon as we expected, but I know he’ll be here, and that’s all that matters. The pieces of my life are fitting back together, and they are snugger than ever.
I’m happy, genuinely happy. Life’s never felt so good.
Let’s see… where do I begin?
These past couple weeks have been ridiculous. Not only have I seemed to step backwards when I thought I was making progress, but I have alienated myself from everyone I love. I regret that. I turned my back on my family back home in Lake Pan. I’ve barely spoken to them since I moved in here. They did so much for me during high school, when I was homeless, and not even my own blood family could help me. And this is how I repay them? By pretending they don’t even exist? Ugh. It all caught up to me when my best friend called me the other day to invite me to her birthday bash. She scolded me for not having called her for so long, not even a text. True, I didn’t. I retaliated with the ole’, “Well it’s a two-way street, you could’ve called me too” bit. Even though there is some truth in that, I probably could’ve picked up the phone if it bothered me that much. Truth is it didn’t bother me that much. That, that is what I feel horrible about. I didn’t even care that I hadn’t spoken to my best friend, of 15 years, for months. I took them for granted.
Its official, my conscience has taken over me.
I’ve never been one to think about faith much. I always thought of having faith in something you couldn’t see was just plain silly. Lately though, I’ve been thinking back on all the times that faith probably could have kept me sane. Like right now, for instance. Sometimes I wish I had faith enough in something ‘else’ to keep me completely fearless. I envy people like that. People who can trust their whole lives on something that they can’t see, something they can’t touch. It’s truly incredible to watch here from the sidelines. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll find something like that.
I worry about my future. As of right now, my future isn’t looking that great. Granted, at least I have someone by my side to hold my hand through it, and friends whom I love dearly to encourage me. But for my own personal future, all partners & friends aside, it’s not looking very pleasant. I’ve got to do something with my life. I’ve got to go back to school, get a better job, something. I’m driving myself crazy here. I look at my mom, and think, “Oh God, I’m going to be just like her if I don’t change now”. She’s 45, and unemployed. She hasn’t made a single cent since 2004, and before that she barely made enough to cover rent. I can’t do the same thing she did, work dead-end jobs for the rest of my life. I’ve got to make a change.
The problem is I keep falling backwards. I make one step forward, and then two steps back. I don’t have my car anymore, due to the biggest mistake of my life. I won’t be making that same mistake again I can assure you of that. Now I have to rely on my friends to bring me back and forth to work. I hate that. I don’t want to be ‘that girl’. That girl who can’t seem to support herself. So, I’m buying a bicycle. Yup. A good ole’ fashioned two-wheeled bicycle. Pedals and all. The good thing about that is, no gas, and nice legs! :] It’s only a mile and a half to work, so that’s not going to be too bad. I’m actually kind of excited about it. I’m forcing myself to somewhat get in shape, something I have vowed to do since birth it seems.
I’m just waiting for one more thing to slap me in the face and say “HAH!” It always happens. Just when I think I’m at the bottom, I get shoved under just a bit further, and then it just gets better from there. Hopefully I’ve already been through that last push. Only time will tell.
Through all of this, though, I’ve been pretty happy. Happier than expected when everything seems to be disagreeing with you. I am happier than I have been in a while, I’ll tell you that. I have amazing friends who I would take a bullet for any day, and an amazing boyfriend who makes me feel so golden. :] I can’t ask for anything better. (Except maybe the winning lotto numbers, please?)
For now, I’m going to pedal my ass off, save some money, and enjoy life one day at a time.
Sometimes I feel like I’m out of place.
Like you don’t even want me around.
I’ve tried my best to make things like they were, and I’m sad that I can’t seem to make you like me again, no matter what I do.
Just know that I love you, I am glad for everything you have done for me in the past couple months. You’ve been the biggest support I’ve had, even if I don’t show my gratitude, it’s there. I’m not very good at showing my feelings.
I just wish things were like they used to be just two or three months ago. Shit maybe even when we first met, and I would get bombarded with texts from you, those were the days. I sit and reminisce so much about silly little things you used to say to me, and now I’m lucky if I get a hello when I walk by. :[ I mean, there are days when I feel like the ‘old us’ is back, when we laugh and giggle about stupid shit. But it fades so quickly, ugh, and we are back to where we are now.
I dunno, maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m not. But I love you like a brother, and I feel like I’ll never fit in in your life. I just want a chance to prove that I can, that’s all.
